History rewritten:

long long time ago..some fellows called apes took liking to this whole idea of erection, and they got themselves erected and called themselves homo-erectus..few eons down the line, even standing erect didnt remain much exciting, so they all sat together and decided to change their last names..and they came to be known as homo-sapiens. Sapien, they thought was a cool thing to be called, so they stuck to that name..they r stuck to it till date(no further evolution).

then one day, one of them was trying to play a jazz drum and when he struck the sticks together, the fire was invented. they gave him the nobel prize(a two piece panther skin apparal designed later by versaci).

another day this man was walking to some place with a load of things on his shoulder, when a donkey came to him and said: " y dnt u cut those woods in a round shape and fix them under a cart, then i can pull the cart and u can sit on it with ur luggege". the man did so...but the donkey didn't want the credit so the man took it....

they used to hunt with a rubber ball back then, but quite funny, it used to recochett back to them and used to hit them badly, so they decided to use stones instead. they also opened the Lithiological Arms Development Institue, commercialization of education began since then.

in the meanwhile, all the animals viz panther, tigers, deers and others staged a protest against the use of their skins to cover the private parts of humans(by now Sapiens nick-named themselves as humans). this came as a serious blow to the commercial sartorial proffessionals. they made a commetee to decide on an alternate sartorial material fit to be worn by humans. animals came up with some very nice ideas...one of them was cotton.

the there were these brothers Euclid and Pythagorous. they used to chase snakes who left their trails on the sands. one of these snakes was quite fond of the shapes..it taught them geometry, and trigonometry by making different shapes on the sands.

much later, came this man Homer, who wrote a book called Homer , thinking that Homer is some other fellow. but he later found out that he himself was homer. he cried a lot while reading his own misries from his book.

Romans were the greatest people to happen to Cleopatra. a lot of romans happened to Cleopatra but the important ones whose happening amounted a lot were Julius Ceasor and Mark Anthony...Mark Anthony later became a showbizz personality of 21st century.

One fine afternoon, in the streets of ancient greece was spotted a bearded man running amock shouting "Eureka" so loudly that ppl got worried he might break is jaw bones. the grosser asked his asistant as to what this fool was shouting. the asistant told him that this ol' man just deduced the formula for density. the grosser gave him a disgusting look, he said:" dnt tell me! my son learned it in 5th std, didnt this ol' man go to the public school?!". this old man was Archemedese, he later bribed the education office and patented the formula for density.

in the other side of the world, india, they discovered some round thing, they called it shoonya. but they were quite worried as to what to do with it. Aryabhatta, a man who had as much long hair on his head as he had on his face, started putting them in front of numbers. thats when ten came between nine and eleven. he wrote Principia Mathematica which he later gifted to Newton.

Forgot to mention a man from long back. his name was Hamlet. he kept asking silly questions that sounded like smart ones. once he said to the near by meat chopper-" to be or not to be, that is the question". this meat chopper feller chased him down every street of the town with a meat knife in his hand. the myths have it that he caught this Hmlet guy and made him do 5001 sit ups and made him write 1000 time that he wud use his brain next time or wont open his mouth. later a head gear called Helmet was named after him..it funda behind it being that Helmet covers the head so nothoing goes inside and turns u into Hamlet. this man was a real pain in the lower back's lowest part for all the ppl in the town.

then there was this fellow who was nailed to a tree in shape of T, just b'coz he thot it wud be good to be nice to other fellows for a change. he inspired the concept AD and BC. no doubt ppl in those times didnt know sequential alphabets. later English ppl found out that it shud actually be A B C D.

In India again,there were warriors, kings, workers, learned people and then ther were white bearded old fellas, who eventually came to know how to get things done from the Gods. they wud make a square hole on the land, light a fire in it and put a lot of things in the fire that produced pretty huge smokes. the smoke wud rise high, reach the heaven and when Gods cudn't take anymore they wud simply ask : " ok! what do u want, tell us and we'll get it done, but just stop this freaking fire,its choking us". so thats how indians tackled Gods.

Indians also spotted some 64000 hindu gods and goddesses and allocated differend department of public welfares to them. The god of insane sex, kamadeva wrote a book called Kamasutra, which depicted 101 impossible positions to have sex in. the book later became best seller in european and american nations. later Kamadeva retired and is still living out of the royalty of his book.

then there was this surprisingly smart fellow named Chanakya, he called himself Kautilya, but introduced himself as Vishnugupta. he was a gr8 politician and a gr8 reformer of spying cult. the myths have it that all his spies never knew that they themselves were being spied. he later wrote in his biography that he used to spy on himself, he wud stand in front of a mirror and ask himself what he's gonna do, and wud answer saying -y shud i tell u. he never published his biography out of the fear that he might come to know what he actually did.

Going back to Romans, romans were only allowed to do three things in their life, fight, eat & drink or participate in an orgy. they loved fighting the most, so much so that when they didn't have anyone else to fight with, they started fighting with each other in huge circular stadiums. it was started by a man named Gladious, who killed a lot of men in stadium but died of a dog-bite.they named this fighting excersize after him.

Romans had huge Vometoriums in their recreational centers. they wud eat and drink and when they wud feel like eating and drinking more, they wud go to vomitorium, puke insanely and they'd be ready for the go again. little did they realize that while puking they were just collecting the ingridients for next party's apple pie pudding.

before romans ppl had some sense of species as in Spiens only mated with Sapiens that too of opposite sex, but romans came from an ill-educated minority. they not only defied the opposite sex theory they were also gr8 proponents of animal love.

an era changed in roman history due to a silly bet. julius cesor and his fren brutus were goin on a boys day out with some other guys. brutus was not a gr8 manueverer of knives, somebody put a wager that he cant aim certain flying bird. brutus took the bet and threw his knife, but ceasor was under a hangover of the previous nights drunken baccanelia he got in between and the knife was into his back. he turned aroung and shoute dloudly:" e tu brutus, u son of b****, u goddamned bloody coward, u scum on the earth i m gonna kill u." but he died on the spot. the recording machine went off after he said "e tu brutus", so that came to be known as the official statement he gave before dying.

As the time went on, romans got converted into italians and developed a fancy for abnormal names, that were not spelled as they were pronounced, or not pronounced as they were spelled.the greatest example of this was a man called leonardo da vinci.half his life was spent in correcting ppl that his name is not pronounced vinsi but vinchi.for the rest of his life he kept deciding what he actually wanted to become. he tried painting, sculpting inventing and scratching his head. he once painted his neighbor's wife and was chased by his neighbor down the streets of milan. nobody took his paintings seriously, so he started a rumor that the women, Mona lisa's smile had something in it. later ppl found out that she was actually constipated for a week while the painting was done.

Eventually after all these years, England became the place where all the things were happening (not quite in the line as Romans happened to Cleopatra!). there were saxons, tudors, normans and vikings. vikings were only humans, but quite well unaware of the evolution process. it took them centuries to accept the fact that wearing horns over head was not a natural thing to do.

but ppl of England were so much used to things happening around them that when things stopped happening, they themselves made some insane things to happen. like wearing a white wig curled near the ears.

Back then in england there was a fellow named Shakespear who wrote commedies. but the commey was so subtle in the narration that ppl used to think it was a tragedy. the Queen of England Elizabeth was so fed up of his tragic writings that whenevr he went to gift his first manuscript to the queen, she wud pretend as if she had forgotten his name. ppl used to make fun of him b'coz of this and he used to say: " Oh! what's there in a name.". when he was taking a rest due to flu , rumors went out that he was goin to die and the queen declared a 2 days anticipatory holiday.

Then there was this land of red indians, that was captured by the english. english asked the indians what the place is called they said its America. so it was. but after few years of enjoying sun and sand in the island english ppl got bored there as they didnt have any shakespear of their own to make fun of. so one day sn englishman asked a native what Americ meant, he said it means free sex. the idea spread. fornication was not a good thing in english rule and the english ppl settled in america wanted free sex so they revolted. this resulkted in the American Revolution. america became a free nation and they coined a catchy pharse for their cause: The Great American Fantacy. but some how it didn't sound good, so they rephrased it to: The Great American Dream.

the americans eventually got confused as to follow the inherited english values or create new ones for themselves. they r still confused.

There was this small group of ppl called French. they thought they knew the right way to do everything viz dressing, eating and speaking. but in fact all they had to themselves was silly accent in which they pronounced english words. modern linguists still believe that they actually tried to speak in itallics(the font). now as far as pleasure was concerned, french were just as evolved as romans. species and gender didnt matter much to them.

Just after the Americans revolted for free sex, French revolted for a new language. the lower class in france was fed up trying to speak in itallics. so they took the king leui 16th by coller and made him pronounce Floccinaucinihilipilification 100 times, he gave up on the 3rd try and shouted cut my head instead. the locals took it seriously.

In due course of time, there developped some kinda animosity between the English and the French, not on single soul back then knew how it started, it was almost as if the prince of wales woke up one day and said french r bad and the entire british gentry nodded its head in approval. they faught a lot of wars never knowing exactly what they were fighting for. the winning side was always confused about what to do next after the victory.

Eventually a short stout man named Napolian Bone Apart, took control of france, he loved riding horses. but ppl told him riding horses is not such a cool thing to do unless u r fighting a war, so there began he started raging wars, just b'coz he enjoyed riding horses. in the process he confronted Duke of Wellington. the duke was famous for his boots, and Nepilan was french, the duke took advantage and made Nepolian believe that the boots cud enhance the elegence of his attire. being french he cudn't resist it and let Wellington win. later in 1821 he died, legend has it that he was so much enthralled by those boots that he started eating them and died of food poisoning.

One fine day in year 1848, a man named Jhon ...or mike, or may be dick, anyways he was a man and he perhaps had a name...so the thing is that this man, was catching fish in a river in California. he used his boot to do this, as his boots smelled so much that the fish wud faint and flow into the boot. he saw that along with fish some yellow thing came flowing into the boot. he sat with his fren that night and they concluded that it was gold(it wasn't 'coz gold is only found in india). however they spread the news and the Gold Rush began.

Americans in those days had nothing to do,specially cowboys. they usually sat on the barn smoking cheap cigars and contemplating the concept of free sex in context of cows(some even contemplated on other cattles). so this Gold Rush thing became an instant hit with them. the entire america together discovered a lot of copper thinking that it was gold.

the rush went on till 1860, when suddenly some fellow came to know that it was not actually gold, and then started the American Civil War, that gave us the terms like yankee and perhaps also donkey. but halfway thru the war they forgot what they were fighting for(as happens with all long wars) so they proclaimed that it was a war against slavery and abolished it at last. now the blacks cud use the same toilets as whites and they cud even have white women.

so the only benefetor from the gold rush were blacks and the Hollywood!

I'll go a l'il back in the 16th century India. back then Rajputs and Moughals used to fight each other on a regular basis as a habbit.Rajputs were characterized by long hair on their head and Moughals, by long hair on their chin. Moughals had a unique fighting technique, while figting they wud shout at the top of their voice, this wud distract the opponent. at any rate Moughals took supramacy eventually and the man who brought it was named Akbar, rajputs called hin "ek baar". legend has it that this akbar man didnt know how to read and write, so whenever a rajput king wud send him a letter of frnship, his generals wud misread it and he used to believe them and raged wars. rajputs always thot that ek baar had lowest IQ in entire india(because the didn't know that the world existed out of india too). anyways this akbar fellow won almost entire india and didnt know what to do with the lands and states, so he distributed it among his relatives. in due course he faught his relatives to get his lands back, as he used to forget that he only gave the land to them in the first place.

Akbar was fond of art(though he didnt know what it meant). so he patronized varied characters. one of them used to shout..and shout so much that even the animals from nearest forest wud rush to him to beseech him to shut his mouth and let the world live in peace. his name was tansen.

Akbar's son was jahangir,he was an alcoholic and he liked courtesans. whenever akbar's army was ready to go for a war, he wud bribe few soldiers to bring along the finest liquor from that part of india. he had a habbit of getting drunk and falling into the road side drains. he was such an .insignificant fellow that niether the historians nor a fact teller like me cud write anything else about him.

jahangir's son was shahjahan. he was a sentimental nincompoop of a sort. he had to build a huge white monument for his lover after her death, coz a\she used to haunt him in the night and asked him to make something for her. he also thought that he was a gr8 poet. he was under this misconception till he died.

in the meanwhile british arrived in india. till this time english ppl knew only two skin colors black and white, indians were neither of them, so british took a lot of interest in this new race. English were also taken aback by the way the indians used to dispose off their metabolic waste, especially the position in which they did it.many british tried to follow suit but they cudnt as they wore tight pants. also the indian food which was insanely spicy by their standards was taking its toll on them. this spicy food introduced the english crowd to the concept of loose motion.

Then came the civil war of 1857. it all began when an english general told a man named mangal pandey that he looked like Amir Khan. this pandey fellow beat the shit out of the english general, b'coz shit was the only thing that english did in india besides playing polotics.they even allowed ladies to take part in this war and even made a special kretch for the children of warrior ladies. but the queen didn't use the kretch.the war ended as soon as it started.

In the anus of...errr annals of human history it is mentioned that the first world war started when somebody shot the Archduke of Austro-Hungary, but his wasn't the case.it actually started when a man named Archie duke shot an ostrich when he was hungry. at any rate 1st world war happened to humans in much the same way as romans happened to cleopatra. Humans were ****** (bad word). at any rate, the english declared war on germany. the french followed them 'coz french eventually did what english did. russians also declared war on germany just b'coz that way they cud get a chance to get out of russia.

1st world war lasted 5 yrs. during these 5 yrs there was very less of actual war and more of an anticipation of it happening. most of the time the ppl spent in the trenhes playing solitair and peakaboo. english missed the yorkshire durby and french missed clean cloths. russians cud never miss russia for they thought that living in trenches is better than living in russia.

now germans were the kind of ppl who knew nothing other than making automobiles, so much so that they used to have a spike on their war helmet. they called themselves the pure race but were confused about the origin.

in trenches the soldiers were so fed up of monotony of waiting for the war that they tried new things each day. the english tried teaching french and russians how to play cricket, but french being roman-minded took the ball as the forbidden apple and russians being closer to vikings thought the bat is to assault the bowler. english gave up and rather played cricket with their indian recruits.

now british, know for their taste of class, managed to have their classy tastes fulfiled wherever they went. when they started living in trenches the first thing they made there was a toilet. it was not only for shitting, but also for sitting and pondering, reading news papers, reading porn magazines and sometimes simply for sitting. but indians there knew the difference betwen shitting and sitting, so they never used these toilets.

WW1 was a one of its own kind war, for the first time so many countries were involved in one single war, so much so that after a while they kinda forgot who was on whose side. confusion prevailed and even while firing wud be going on every soldier wud think if the man just beside him was on his side or otherwise. there were incidents sited when two enemy forces wud be facing each other in an utter confusion about the loyalties without a single shot being fired, and at last they wud decide to go back to respective trenches.

Sometime in the winter of 1918, when the armies cud take it no more, all decided to end the war. nobody knew who was fighting whome, but everybody knew that the Germans started it all. so in the final treaty they were treated very harshly. the German generals were made to write " we will not do it again" 101 times and morover they asked to say it loudly and poronounce it correctly..... the generals opted to be hanged, till death.

Germans were charaterized by their big up-curled at the ends bavarian mustaches, as a result of their defeat , allied forces excersized their control on the mustache growth of Germans. every german was allowed to grow mustach till only a certain length depending upon the surface area of his face, so new born babies cud not grow mustaches because they didnt have the minimum required surface area of face. an aftermath of this saction later resulted in 2nd world war(more on it later).

during the wars, important decisions were taken by diplomats sitting in some grand buildings and catered by class one housekeeping folks serving every imaginable kind of food and fluid. as the war ended the diplomats thought that this previledge of theirs wud end with it too. so some cunning fews among them came up with an idea of an international body that'll get together every few days for good food and good drink and a lot of card playing and gossips, pronounced maintain peace in the world. so came the League of Nations.